I'm Not Afraid of Tears
written by Shelly Hoover
I just had to share this beautiful blog written by Shelly Hoover. I can relate so much, it feels like she read my mind.
I know it hurts. You don’t have to hide your tears.
ALS is a cruel and difficult disease. You see the visible toll and I know it makes you sad. Uncomfortable even.
I struggle too with each loss of function, especially with the big things like driving and eating. Let’s face it, it’s embarrassing when I eat like a toddler. I know it’s uncomfortable to watch when my hand is shaking and all the food falls back on the plate before the fork hits my mouth. I’ll get to a point where I’m ok with you feeding me. I know you won’t mind a bit.
I know it’s frustrating when you want to invite me places, but I can’t get into your house easily or I can’t get into the venue at all. So the invites stop coming. It hurts.
Your once vibrant, active, and strong friend is slowly wilting away. I get it. It’s ok to be mad. ALS is hard on everyone who crosses its path. It’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to cry in front of me. I’ll probably join you. It helps me know you care deeply.
I mourn not only the loss of physical function. I mourn the loss of cute shoes, my independence, and dreams of an active retirement. It hurts.
I’m an awkward physical mess and sometimes an emotional mess. Sadness catches in my throat and rolls down my cheeks without warning. Let’s express and validate our sadness when needed. But let’s not stay there.
I’m still me on the inside. I want to hear all about your life and encourage you to be the amazing person I know you to be. I want to laugh with you until it hurts.
So, I wear ugly shoes, depend on others, and change retirement plans. I can live with that.
I love you my friend, and I am loved. That’s really all that matters.
I’m forgiven and Free and it’s ok if you cry with me.